Love's or Lust's Embrace?

I could not be more scared of being happy than I am right now.

By a weird fluke of an event, I hung out with Brad tonight. We’ve been talking about going out, and with this whole Rhi thing, he was really helping me keep my mind off things. He was actually someone I could talk to, oddly enough.

The evening began with us tentatively making plans, nothing special. Then it began with him pushing it back, and back, until it seemed it might not even happen. This Brad is a busy man I tell you.

So I went with Rhi to have dinner at Michael’s house. It was the first time I had seen him since our blowout Sunday morning, and part of me was still feeling hurt by him. I couldn’t get over it. I tried so hard to work through my issues about it, and slowly but surely I was getting there.

In any event, dinner was fabulous. We had a nice chicken pasta salad with grilled pita bread and spinach dip to start. Really, quite amazing. So I talked to Michael about the whole Brad thing, and how things might not happen, and what was going on between us. Right off the bat, Michael veto-ed the whole idea because Brad was bi, he even sided with Rhi. I knew I shouldn’t be shocked, it’s only natural for them to think that way. I mean, I STILL think that way.

But Brad was different. I have wanted this guy from the first moment I laid my eyes on him. Something just took control of me, and said that’s who is going to make you a happier person. I know that all sounds cheese, and it might all fizzle away, but it’s the way I feel, and I can’t help but think it, which is totally wonderful and shitty at the same time.

So on the subway ride home, I got a call from Brad. We had finally settled on something. He was going to pick me up at my apartment at 10:30PM.

When I got home, my roomie was lounging about, just doing her thing. She told me I looked amazing and I told her about Brad. She was mega excited and knew we’d just hit it off. She completes me in that sense, because I was a ball of pessimism at this point. I was not ready to face another heartache.

My cell rings. He’s downstairs. I looked at myself in the mirror. The man I had been chasing for the last two months was at in my lobby. I took a deep breathe, and just decided this is one of those times where I was going to sink or swim.

I walked up to his hot Civic and knocked on the window. He unlocked the door and I got in. Immediately, everything I was working for. Everything I had obsessed about. All that I thought I wanted… was right in front of me.

He was nervous, I was nervous. I didn’t know what to think. I asked him if we could go the bank. As I finished up at the ATM, and turned around to walk out the door, my jacket got caught in clutch-handle thing and I went flying right back into the door. With him watching! I was MORTIFIED!

Without a doubt, he called me out on it. He actually called ME out on it…and I liked it.

We decided on a night like tonight that we would go to Tims for coffee. And shockingly, I paid for his ass. It’s the least I could do for being such a bitch to him all this time and making it so damn hard for him.

We parked and talked for a bit, and we finally started flirting like old times. It’s times like these I’m happy he understands me in ways most guys have never.

We drove around for a bit, the wind from his sunroof in my hair, and I just embraced the moment with him, not knowing what would happen.

We parked at a tiny school near my house and the conversation got pretty heavy. We talked about our past. Our families. Our lost loves. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our struggles. Our sadness. He explained why it’s so hard for him to open up and that he purposely wanted to show me the worst side of himself so I wouldn’t like him, almost like a self-sabotage. Any normal person would have run away, but I myself was a victim of self-sabotage and although I may not show the worst, I can be a total bitch in order to keep guys away.

He said he felt like two different people sometimes. The Brad he’s supposed to be, and the Brad that he really is. It was quite a profound conversation, and, naturally, I put a stop to it immediately because I was not about to get all heavy and serious all up and through this conversation.

Since he had to be at work for 7AM, we ended the night a little early. He drove me home, and as we pulled up to my concierge, he didn’t end it immediately. Despite the fact that I kept insisting he had to go to bed, we talked for another 40 minutes in his car in front of my building…just talking. On the other hand, he kept insisting, subtly, but nevertheless insisting, I come out on Saturday night to his friend’s party.

I thought that is where I had to draw the line because I didn’t want to hang out with his straight friends when he doesn’t even has his shit straight, and I was not going to travel there by myself or go to some random guy’s house for pre-drinks. So I smiled, telling him I’d do my best.

I hugged him goodbye, and wished him a good day at work.

And like a perfect gentleman, he didn’t even try to kiss me.

I walked upstairs and just walked into my apartment, I realized I didn’t even have the urge to txt him or wait for his phone call.

Although I might drown in the process, I’ve decided I’m going to swim for now.

I know he’ll be there in the morning.