Showtime

So these last few days have been plenty of drama. And I hate to use that word, I am so above it.

Basically, let’s just say it all reverts back to Brad.
In the last few days, we’ve hung out a lot. I’m talking lunches, dinner, late night coffee.

Essentially, I’ve seen so much of Brad that it feels my world is melting into one with his.

He came over Monday night and we basically just hung out, watched some TV, sat on my terrace and talked in the nice weather. Of course, I was wearing his ring, but around my neck, I couldn’t dare wear it on my finger, for fear of how he, or I, would react.

Eventually, we moved to the couch and started talking and kissing. Then, we moved to my bedroom where things really got hot and heavy. We didn’t do much, and, thankfully, my clothes stayed on. Yes, I know other lovers and strangers, my clothes stayed ON!

Eventually, one thing lead to another and we just—well, we fell asleep on each other. Next time I know it’s 3 AM, and I have class in 5 hours. As I woke him up and walked him downstairs, looking absolutely hideous, he kissed me goodbye and I watched him walk to his car.

The next morning, I hear my phone go off with a txt message, and then another, and then another. It was Brad. I blame myself because I left my phone on, and he thought I was in class, but for the next two hours, I struggled in between getting some sleep and txt messaging him. Somehow, and I have no idea where, he was picking me up in twenty minutes for a power lunch.

34 txt messages, an espresso shot, and a quick change later, I was waiting down in my lobby’s courtyard for Brad. As he pulled up in a huge white worker-van, I felt butterflies in my stomach.

Did anyone but me think it was odd I was seeing him twice in almost seven hours?

After a quick trip to Home Depot and a work-related pick up on his part, we managed to stop in front of South St. Burgers when he got a call from his mother. After listening to them talk about seeing him rush to find a phonebook to help his ill mother find the number for her drug plan company, a part of me realized why he could never be fully committed to me. The poor boy was sweating of stress it was so sad. I just wanted to hug him so badly, but I had to settle for sitting across from him.

We finally ordered our burgers and got a seat on the outdoor patio. At 21+ C, it was a gorgeous day. With the sun on my face, the delicious meal, and the amazing man in front of me, I knew there was nowhere else I wanted to be at that moment. I was even wearing white, which even more stressed my serene state while getting dressed in the morning. Speaking of which, cute Converse jeans at Holts (in white, of course) were bought today.

As we sat and ate our food, it was pretty chill for the first time since our week-long affair.

That night, after struggling through class that day, he came over again. We watched a bit of The Devil Wears Prada and just talked.

I whispered into his ear, Tell me something no one knows about you.

After careful consideration, he replied, Nobody knows that I think I’m falling for you.

Fuck, did people actually say that shiz anymore?

I cleverly avoided the comment by giving my trademark smile and chuckle, and continued to watch the movie.

Later that night, in my bed, we got a little closer. During a break, he said to me, I don’t know what I did before you. My world was so empty, and now all I want to do is see you, be with you, you make me complete in some way.

Okay, this was too much for me. First you don’t want a relationship and then you want a relationship. Is that it? EXPLAIN TO ME DAMNNIT.

As I said goodbye to him at 1 AM, I knew I couldn’t reverse what we’ve gotten ourselves into. One of us would get hurt, and I was not sure if I wanted to take the hit for this one.

Yesterday, as I struggled through class, I found myself with an extra-long break in-between. Naturally, I had lunch with Brad again. This time, we did it quick time at Tim Hortons, where he proceeded to bring up his feelings for me, and the fact that he doesn’t know what I’ve done to him.

But by the same token, he talks a lot about my ass and how he wants to fuck me. It’s really been on my mind. Does he want me? Or does he want to fuck me to break my two-year-one-month virtue record??

He mentioned that he used to be able to fool around and have sex without emotion, but suddenly I have changed him and kept him coming back for more, and, apparently, for me.

So I got to thinking: Is time even a variable in all of this? Who’s to say he won’t get over me once he gets my cherry? Just because those guys gave it up quicker than I am, he was able to get over it quicker only by consequence. Who’s to say when I give it up, he’ll stay around?

But his words were definitely sending mixed signals! What did he want from me? I mean, we’ve hung out quite a bit so what does that tell you?

That night, Rhi and I stayed in for our traditional Top Model/Girlfriends Wednesday Night Party. It was nothing special.

Before I went to bed, I called Brad up to say goodnight, and see what was up with him.
Not surprisingly, he was doing a million things at once.

However, he seemed to be getting a ton of nudges on MSN, and I asked who the hell is nudging you so much?

Oh, some new person I’m talking to.

WHAT? NEW PERSON?

I’m wearing that damn ring, not that it means anything more than I like it, and he’s telling me I complete him, he’s falling for me, and talking to other people.

I can’t no more of this. Either he will or he won’t. He does or he don’t.

I slowly ended our conversation, and we said good night.

This morning was nothing out of the normal. French Lit exam. Shopping. Visiting my parents.

And, of course, text messages from Brad. Since he wanted to play that game, I sent him an ‘accidental’ txt message intended for someone else, and he got all pissed at me and wondered who it was.

And of course, as I write this, I’m waiting for Brad to finish his dinner plans and then come hook up with me. We’re going for our “Party in the Park,” what that exactly entails is beyond me.

And as I type these lines and this newest saga in the Brad-Me Story, I can’t help but look at this ring, shinning back at me form the reflections of my pot lights.

What will become of me? What will happen tonight? Does it even matter?

I’ve decided that tonight is the night. Either he wants to figure out what we’re doing and cut the crap. I mean, I don’t mind being just one on one with him, not a relationship, but at least some exclusivity. Give a bitch a break. I might even have to give up the ring if I don’t like what I wear, but I will not be jerked around.

It’s showtime.

Makes Me Wanna Pray

So last night was the Christina concert.

It was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. Let me tell you how I am going to meet that chick and she is going to ask me for marriage advice. Maybe that's a stretch, but who knows.

So after the concert I was supposed to hang out with this guy Jason. In light of the recent Brad events, I decided to skip out on drinks with Jason.

Even though I clearly told him I might come, and I assumed he was going with his friends, he ended up txt-ing me and waiting at the bar ...ALONE! I am officially a monster. But I quickly had to get over it, and so I chalked it up to miscommunication. It was his fault for assuming.

I've been bumming around all day, reading my latest issue of GQ (taking notes haha), and considering what to make for dinner.

Brad might be coming over for a movie, which is hopefully not code for fooling around because I am so not in the mood. But I won't mind.

Besides that, I have a million things to do. My brother is going to Florida with his family, and invited Rhi and I to come along. So I gotta decide what is going on. I should also clean, I suppose.

Who knows, hopefully there's no drama drama drama...just a chill night.

Revival

Work was hell yesterday. I was so damn tired, but daddy made me the best breakfast since he’s convinced I don’t eat, which is basically true. But I wasn’t trying to reject that huge breakfast.

I can only imagine how Brad was doing at work. We sent a few txts back and forth, but we were both so busy. Ok, well, I wasn’t THAT busy so I was glued to my phone, but I know he had shit to do.

So I managed to make it back to my apartment in one piece, and I had to rest up for the night. I had been talking to Brad on and off all day and I knew he was excited.

At about 9PM, I get a call from him telling me that the venue has been changed from 279 to Revival Nightclub, and guest list finished at 11PM. Not only did I have to rush to leave my place, but I also had to rush to get ready. After altering Rini, I a-lined to my closet.

In a made fury, I threw on a cute white shirt, tie, and black sweater with jeans and my clickly-clacks. I had no neck. But no time for that.

I checked my e-mail quickly to find the sweetest offline message from him: can’t wait to chill with you later.

As I rushed out of my apartment at 10.06PM, I called Rini to meet me at the next metro station down, and then I called Brad to tell him I was on my way.

Twenty-five minutes later, I was still waiting for Rini at the station. Where the hell was she?
I was annoyed out of my mind, I left the station to leave her the nastiest voicemail. Low and behold, she was right in front of me!

We managed to make it to the club in 40 minutes, and after paying a ridiculous cover charge (thanks to Rini) and 3 bucks for coat check, we made it up to the 3rd level. I immediately pulled out my phone and txt messaged Brad: I'm here now, it's up to you to find me.

After circling the club for a while, I turned the corner and bumped into something...that something was Brad. Damn, he was looking cute. I found you, he said.

After some mixing and mingling and dancing the night away, I met about 20 of his friends. It was quite funny. But it was Brad and I the whole night, talking and laughing. He was completely normal.

My fear that he would ignore for his friends was completely stupid. We all talked and they didn't even care. Clearly he wasn't hiding the fact that he was bi, or gay...or totally into me.

It was quite amazing. I felt as if we were moving in a new direction. As the night drew to a close, I was getting ready to leave with Rini when I asked if he would come see me after he picks up his car from the station. Did you even have to ask? he responded.

Two subways and some timbits later, I was getting in his car at the passenger pick-up because he was already waiting at my apartment. The hell I was going to walk when he could just meet me.

We ended up just chilling and talking in the Dominion parking lot, just like the night before. But we talked even more and it felt like we were just enjoying our company.

Then he said something that rocked my inner core: Who would have thought a few days ago, you would make me change my mind?

What the hell does that mean??? I didn't know or care, but it was pretty amazing.

It only reinforced the fact that I am scared to death of liking him and then having to leave him to go to MTL.

I don't want to risk feeling the way I felt with him in that car and then leaving the city and never feeling that way again.

At the end of the night, he drove me to my lobby and we talked for another 10 minutes. I was playing with one of his rings, and I put it on my finger. I think it looks good on you, he said, as I held out my hand and then took it off. I want you to wear it, you can give it to me next time.

This was all getting to real for me. I didn't know what to think, but I didn't want to. As I got out of the car he pecked me and slapped my ass.

And so I just walked into my apartment and looked at my hand. He was still with me.

And like the nose ring he said he loved so much, I knew I could never get rid of him or it. He was slowly becoming a part of me.

Tomorrow's the Christina concert, so I'll have something to keep me occupied.

I think we're on our way.

Here I Am...

I’m visiting my parents today. I’m in their basement right now, and yes, I know it’s late. I just got back from hanging out with Brad. Yes, you read right, BRAD. Haha.

The night started out pretty funny. Rini, Rhi, and I were going to the Savannah Room for this hot reggae jam that our DJ-friend invited us to, but as we walked up to the bar, it looked totally dead so we skipped off and went to the village instead.

We literally did nothing. Between Rhi and Rini gabbing out who knows what, I was on the phone talking and txt-ing with Brad all night. Rude maybe? Shit, I hope not.

After barhopping all over, we ended up eating Baklava on the street corner. Fancy, I know.

On the bright side, we met the bar manager of this HOT, undiscovered, untarnished bar just north of Wellesley. After a bit of conversation, Rhi and I decided we were going to promote for this place, throw a hot party, and monopolize north of Wellesley and make lounging-clubbing-barring the way it SHOULD be.

As sad as it sounds, I was excited cos it would be my ticket out of going to Montreal.

So as the night went on, Brad started txt-ing me lyrics from his favourite stupid song “Hotel California” ( barf, je sais) so I returned the favour with “Get Together.”

Next thing you know, I’m driving back up to the ‘burbs to meet Brad at some random Tims after dropping off the girls.

It was about 1.25AM when I pulled into the parking lot and he pulled up right beside a few seconds later. I got into his car and off we went, just driving around, doing a whole lot of nothing.

We talked for a bit here and there, and he was way more touchy-feely than normal. My face, my cheeks, and at one point, I even got a nice hand massage from him. I love them, by the way.

So one thing leads to another, and I’m on his shoulder about to call asleep.

He kisses my cheek. I kiss his neck.
I slowly move up and edge my lips closer to his, I feel his breath on me.

And right there, at 2:36AM, Brad kissed me for the first time.

And it was not good. Either he was nervous or something, but the kiss was awkward.

As we kept going, and I started showing him what I like, and he got more relaxed, we kept going. It started to get good. Really good. But I won’t lie, I was worried there for a second.

Then he kissed my forehead. When a guy kissed your forehead, he likes you. But I didn’t know what to think.

Just two days ago, he was telling me that he didn’t want a relationship and blah blah and now we’re making out AND I get a forehead kiss.
The night went on, we talked, we kissed, we talked, we kissed. And it wasn’t even making out. It was kissing. It was down-to-earth. It was passionate, not raw. It was sensual, not sexual.

As we said our goodbyes, which lasted another 20 minutes, he urged me to come tomorrow night. I finally caved in and told him I would.

As I got into my car, he looked at me, and I blew him a kiss. He caught it and blew one right back.

And as I drove off, he followed right behind me. We went our separate ways at the lights.

But I knew we’d never be too far.

A Burger and a Boy

About to call it a night my other loves and strangers, so just thought I’d do a quick post.

Went for dinner with Rini tonight to some dive down the street from my apartment. Turns out, a dive does good dinner. And damn cheap too. Cos you know how I do.

I told Rini about Brad and my worries, and about MTL coming up. She was so excited; she’s decided to drive Rhi and I down there! It’s going to be quite an exciting trip I must say.

As I was eating with Rini, Brad called me, and said one of the single most sweetest things to me: I’m just reminding you about Ugly Betty tonight. …I know I don’t watch it, but I know you love it, so don’t forget. P.S. I hate you…. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, all I want to do is talk to you, hear your voice, be with you.

I was almost going to choke on my burger. Did he just say that? TO ME?

That doesn’t sound like the workings of someone who DEFINIATELY wants to marry a woman. We’ll see.

A Bottom and a Bottom-Line

Rhi is here, so I guess I’ll make it a quick one.

I woke up this morning, and I felt amazing. I don’t know what to think of last night, and I’m almost scared to read my post to see how much I was gushing with excitement, but I don’t care. I just want to embrace my time with him.

I went to class today, and I was in my own world. He txt-ed me first thing this morning saying asking how I was. And we excited a few things back and forth.

It was the start of it all. We’re moving in a new direction, I can feel it.

We talked all day, on the phone, through txt, MSN, the works. AND I had class all day.

It’s just so easy with Brad, so natural. Like two pieces of a puzzle. I just want to promise him that I would be his. I just want to know he’d be mine.

He called me tonight when he got home from work, and we chatted for a bit. It was time to find out his ‘bottom-line.’ As much as I didn’t want to know. It was crucial. Did he want to date? Just chill? Looking for a relationship? Not even with me, but in general.

And as one thing led to another. He spilled the beans:

He is not looking for a relationship.

My heart sank. Not that I expected much for a bi, but like I told him last night, he was different. And although he thinks he’s this exception to the rule that I never go after bi guys, it was true, he is the exception. He was different.

So naturally pissed, what did I do? Closed myself off, picked a fight and hung up on him.

After mulling it over, being a bitch was not the way I wanted to go. So after about 1.5 hours, I decided to call him back. I left him the cutest voicemail about how everything is ok, and I hope I didn’t come off the wrong way.

He called me back within two seconds: I was dying to call you back when you hung up on me, but I didn’t think you wanted me to.

He didn’t even check his voicemail. Yay?

We talked briefly about stuff neither here nor there and we were trying to play night for the rest of the night.

As he hung up, I told him to check his voicemail.

Before I logged offline, he typed don’t worry, I still luv you.

On another note, I asked Rini to come with me on Saturday night. She’s in. I’m officially going, I just gotta make him think now that I might not. Haha. We’re going for dinner tomorrow night so I can tell her all of the juicy details from last night.

Don’t worry Brad, I still l-u-v you too.

Love's or Lust's Embrace?

I could not be more scared of being happy than I am right now.

By a weird fluke of an event, I hung out with Brad tonight. We’ve been talking about going out, and with this whole Rhi thing, he was really helping me keep my mind off things. He was actually someone I could talk to, oddly enough.

The evening began with us tentatively making plans, nothing special. Then it began with him pushing it back, and back, until it seemed it might not even happen. This Brad is a busy man I tell you.

So I went with Rhi to have dinner at Michael’s house. It was the first time I had seen him since our blowout Sunday morning, and part of me was still feeling hurt by him. I couldn’t get over it. I tried so hard to work through my issues about it, and slowly but surely I was getting there.

In any event, dinner was fabulous. We had a nice chicken pasta salad with grilled pita bread and spinach dip to start. Really, quite amazing. So I talked to Michael about the whole Brad thing, and how things might not happen, and what was going on between us. Right off the bat, Michael veto-ed the whole idea because Brad was bi, he even sided with Rhi. I knew I shouldn’t be shocked, it’s only natural for them to think that way. I mean, I STILL think that way.

But Brad was different. I have wanted this guy from the first moment I laid my eyes on him. Something just took control of me, and said that’s who is going to make you a happier person. I know that all sounds cheese, and it might all fizzle away, but it’s the way I feel, and I can’t help but think it, which is totally wonderful and shitty at the same time.

So on the subway ride home, I got a call from Brad. We had finally settled on something. He was going to pick me up at my apartment at 10:30PM.

When I got home, my roomie was lounging about, just doing her thing. She told me I looked amazing and I told her about Brad. She was mega excited and knew we’d just hit it off. She completes me in that sense, because I was a ball of pessimism at this point. I was not ready to face another heartache.

My cell rings. He’s downstairs. I looked at myself in the mirror. The man I had been chasing for the last two months was at in my lobby. I took a deep breathe, and just decided this is one of those times where I was going to sink or swim.

I walked up to his hot Civic and knocked on the window. He unlocked the door and I got in. Immediately, everything I was working for. Everything I had obsessed about. All that I thought I wanted… was right in front of me.

He was nervous, I was nervous. I didn’t know what to think. I asked him if we could go the bank. As I finished up at the ATM, and turned around to walk out the door, my jacket got caught in clutch-handle thing and I went flying right back into the door. With him watching! I was MORTIFIED!

Without a doubt, he called me out on it. He actually called ME out on it…and I liked it.

We decided on a night like tonight that we would go to Tims for coffee. And shockingly, I paid for his ass. It’s the least I could do for being such a bitch to him all this time and making it so damn hard for him.

We parked and talked for a bit, and we finally started flirting like old times. It’s times like these I’m happy he understands me in ways most guys have never.

We drove around for a bit, the wind from his sunroof in my hair, and I just embraced the moment with him, not knowing what would happen.

We parked at a tiny school near my house and the conversation got pretty heavy. We talked about our past. Our families. Our lost loves. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our struggles. Our sadness. He explained why it’s so hard for him to open up and that he purposely wanted to show me the worst side of himself so I wouldn’t like him, almost like a self-sabotage. Any normal person would have run away, but I myself was a victim of self-sabotage and although I may not show the worst, I can be a total bitch in order to keep guys away.

He said he felt like two different people sometimes. The Brad he’s supposed to be, and the Brad that he really is. It was quite a profound conversation, and, naturally, I put a stop to it immediately because I was not about to get all heavy and serious all up and through this conversation.

Since he had to be at work for 7AM, we ended the night a little early. He drove me home, and as we pulled up to my concierge, he didn’t end it immediately. Despite the fact that I kept insisting he had to go to bed, we talked for another 40 minutes in his car in front of my building…just talking. On the other hand, he kept insisting, subtly, but nevertheless insisting, I come out on Saturday night to his friend’s party.

I thought that is where I had to draw the line because I didn’t want to hang out with his straight friends when he doesn’t even has his shit straight, and I was not going to travel there by myself or go to some random guy’s house for pre-drinks. So I smiled, telling him I’d do my best.

I hugged him goodbye, and wished him a good day at work.

And like a perfect gentleman, he didn’t even try to kiss me.

I walked upstairs and just walked into my apartment, I realized I didn’t even have the urge to txt him or wait for his phone call.

Although I might drown in the process, I’ve decided I’m going to swim for now.

I know he’ll be there in the morning.

C-Lounge

So basically, last night Rhi, Danielle, and I went to C-lounge. It was pure crap. Not only was it a trashy straight club, but the crowd was not hot and we had to pay crazy cover, something I don't do often.

In any event, Rhi and I got into this huge argument about money. Apparently he thinks he always has to front me and this and that, but not everyone can live on an excess of student loans. Point is, he HAS it and I don't, but it's not even about that. I could tell there was so much deeper. It was our first real fight in a while. It was weird.

I didn't know what to think....was he secretly resenting me this whole time? What else was hiding? With Rhi (like with me) things are never really THAT simple.

We talked for a bit about it the next morning, but nothing serious. I was not in the mood.

On the flip side, Brad and I have been talking like no tomorrow. He's been so nice and our conversations are amazing, but I don't know what his deal is, and we've been at this game forever. And Rini told me he said he wants to marry a girl, and all this. He's even told me he doesn't want a relationship with a guy.

So with that, and the Rhi drama, and my going down for the second time last Friday, I didn't know what to think.

Sometimes, you just have to dine into things face first.

Sometimes you just have to start in the shallow end.

Sometimes you just need to realize you don't have a bathing suit, and just say out of the water all together.

Other times, you just need to forget all that and do it your own way, on your own terms.

B is for...

So shit has hit the fan.

Basically, my roomie found out my plans because my stupid real estate agent opened his big mouth and e-mailed her. And so did the landlord's. So much for options, they thought I wanted a way out!!

I have been back and forth and some pretty bad things are being said, but I know we'll be fine. Long of the short, she came home tonight from work a night early and we had a long convo, she boiled down to letting me sublet, which is not TOO bad. I can leave for the summer and then come back and still have my apartment!!!

Now I just need to get on that.

She's such a bitch, she said some really awful things about me, getting all legal. We ended up with Rhi just chilling and eating Mc.D's in some parking lot. It's weird how we just get back to normal LIKE that.

After my Friday night horror, you can clearly see why there is not guy news, I'm laying low.

Except for Brad...I haven't given up on him just yet. We talked for the first time in a while on the phone today and it was cute. He left me the funnnnniest voicemail. It was nothing special, and we were still adjusting after his long absence and the shit that went down with Alys and Rini. BUT who knows. He's all confused and I don't know if I can go for that.

So B is for many things.

Going Down, Down For The Second Time

I just got in.

Today was the single worst realization-heavy day of my life. What the hell was I thinking??? Let me know, because clearly that inner-voice is starting to sound good right now.

So let me break it down quicktime because I am so tired.

Basically, my day started out none adventurous. Of course, I kept getting those stupid "can't wait" txts from Ricky, and well, Matt was really silent on the matter. You know how 'bi' guys do.

First up to bat: Ricky. 5'9'', not fat, NOT thin, blond (uhhh...), white German

Basically, I give him props because he found my apartment with no trouble, and actually managed to be facing my window when he looked up and saw me break my blinds as I was ruffling them to get his attention. So I get all cute: white graphic shirt, cardigan, skinny jeans, my all-stars...nothing too crazy. Well, can I tell you how Queen St. was introduced to A.E.

He was cute, but, right off the bat, I knew it wouldn't work. I was a defeatist. We grabbed Starbucks around the corner and basically just chilled out. Of course, I became detached and whatever about the whole situation, but I was trying to be cute nonetheless. We chilled and just did whatever. No big deal. After I had finished my HORRID Vanilla Bean Latte, I suggested we head over to the local dump-of-a-mall I hung out at when I was in high school. Nothing changed. Not in the mall, and not in our date or chemistry.

It went from hot to cold, good to bad. It was just blah.

So we cut it short and promised we'd chilled. I ended up getting home just in time for Tyra, and I had a turkey sandwich because my next date wasn't until 8.30PM.

I wasn't bummed about it, but I wasn't jumping for joy or sad it didn't work. I think he was a bottom anyway. Tant pis pour moi.

7.30PM rolls around and I'm naked on my bed doing some paper on the linguistic study of communication. Not even excited. I sort of knew what lay ahead, looking back. I get a txt:

"Let's make it 8.20...deal?"

Basically, I had no choice. He has pushed it back. Yay. Now maybe I could actually put some effort into this affair?

Next up to bat: Matt, 6'3'', nice manly thick body, black hair (yay dark features...), racial mut. Now we're talking...

So I walk up the stairs of the Royal Bank at Yonge and Bloor, and as I turn around from the ATM, there he is. I did something so crazy that I had never done with a guy. I hugged him. It was just an experiment, one that resulted in his iPod getting tangled on the buttons of my car coat. Thank God none of my fucking buttons fell off, or I would have been pissed.

After a sexy, but LOUD dinner at 7West, which was crazy expensive for some shit plate I could not afford, we headed over to some Irish pub, which gave me memories of Scottish guy (another story, for another time...). He didn't pay for my meal, FYI, and he begged me to get a $9 martini. Had I known the fucker was not gonna front me any cash...THE HELL.

Up to this point, nothing exciting happened. Either I was being boring, or he was being boring. But the most excitement we had (well, he had, I was scared) was a car crash at Wellsley and Yonge. It happened right before our very own eyes. Weird. Metaphor perhaps for the crash site this date had become?

At the pub, I got a txt-message from BiGuy: Come see me, where are you? Let's hang... He was clearly drunk. So I excused myself to the washroom and chatted with him for a bit in the stall. It was a strange sort of comfort in a way, my only solace from bad date number two.

But as I got back to the table, and sat down, I realized one thing. Looking off into the distance, it hit me. I was not looking for anyone...or anything. I was not having fun because I wasn't into it. Was I the one not into it? Or was it just the bad guys? But I realized I have no time to date losers like this who don't give me butterflies. As they say, and I believe, I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. It was time to go home. I was sick of this horseshit and too excited to pretend anymore.

After we finished at the pub, we walked over to Bloor together. I was brushing against his shoulder. Smiling. The works. got nothing. I think the worst part up to this point was that I wasn't even buzzed.

As we said our goodbyes, we committed the cardinal sin and uttered the words of a failed date: It was fun, we should do this again, I'm sure I'll be seeing you.... I mean, does anyone ever really mean it when they say that.

As I pressed my body against his, and he hugged me tightly at Bloor Station, I knew I would never talk to him again.

And he smelled like Heineken...

The Lease

Talked to the real estate agent. And I e-mailed my old realtor. I have a secret meeting set-up for not this Wednesday, but next. So we'll see what happens then and tomorrow night.

I'll keep you all posted.

A Better Life

So my date didn't really work out as I had planned. It was time for some serious self-reflection, hence this delay in the posting.

I need to take some time to figure out what it was that I wanted from life, from love, and from myself. I know that sounds cheesy, but that's the way it is.

Inadvertently, however, I had gone to visit my parents in the 'burbs and got a cute little message from this guy named Ricky. Oddly enough, that was the name of Tee's in-the-closet-she-doesn't-know bisexual boyfriend. My heart sank. So anyway, turned out not to be him, but we had a cute little interesting chat. So cute, that we wanted to meet up on Monday.

I was not ready to go down this path again.

Matt had finally come clean with me and he realized that he wanted to meet me, and he was ready for whatever would happen between us. I was so over it. Like so gone.

So Monday comes and goes and Ricky and I never hooked up. Oddly enough, we can't seem to stop txting each other or talking endlessly. Same thing with Matt, it was crazy. But in retrospect, I shouldn't have ignored my feelings that things were not gonna go over too well.

Word of advice all you lovers and other strangers, when guys start using the following phrases, be it via MSN, Txt-ing, or otherwise, beware:

You can't wait to meet me, don't lie.

It's gonna be such an amazing time.

I'm so excited. It's gonna be chill.

Run. Run. Run. Run and don't ever look back. I need to start listening to my inner voice.

Well, things got so complicated between work, school, Ricky, Matt, and my damn roomie (still trying to get out of the lease), that I started forgetting who I told what to.

In any event, I had managed to book in Ricky and Matt on the same day. I double-booked. This can only be so interesting. I'm a whore.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Oh shit, did I just say excited? Fuck, it's going to be awful.

On another note, Brad came back from Europe. We haven't talked much and things have been pretty weird between us. I don't think there will be anything salvage, he seems pretty pissed I went all up and through trying to play the spy and get some info.

And last, but not least. LA is out. MTL is in. Who knows what awaits this summer, but I was excited. Now I have that secret meeting I have to plan, we'll see what happens.

But I can't worry about that now, I have more pressing matters...

Le Sigh- Part Deux

So, last night was interesting.

We had a good little chat over some coffee. It wasn't as fabulous as I had pictured. In a way, I felt like I was cheating on Matt, and Brad....and well, what was I even doing.

We stayed out for like an hour. From start to finish, I clocked in at 60 minutes. Cute guy, but I'd def need to see where things go and hang out again before I decide if I want him, but I doubt that will happen. When the coffee shop closed, it seemed like we were just humouring each other into hanging out and prolonging the situation. It felt like something that would never end, but that we didn't want it to end at the same time. It's like we couldn't make up our minds about one another. I still can't, but I doubt he's the man for me.

I think it's time to accept the fact that I have been trying to ignore for a while: I am jaded.

I have reached the point in my life where I can tell if a meeting (or "a date") is going to go well even before it happens. Even days before it happens. It's not that I'm a fatalist, it's that I know what I am looking for.

I guess I just know that I won't really feel anything for a guy because he's not what I REALLY want, you know? But I still keep going on these meetings because I think it will be different and the "I never thought I'd like someone like him, but I do" phenom will hit me. I keep thinking it'll be affected by the "looks meaning nothing" mentality with just one guy.

Le sigh- part deux.

Why Can't I?

So it's about quarter to nine and here I am all ready to meet up with Drew for coffee.

After much back and forth, and the weather and what not. We have decided to go for it.

Might as well get this over with.

Sigh.

Come See About Me

Well, the weather outside is frightful.

And tonight I was supposed to hang with Drew. Honestly, if it's not one thing, it's another.

It took me from door to door 1.5 hours to get home from class and I was pissed!

I was so hungry that when I got home, I totally binged on Oreo cookies. You know how I do.

So back to Drew. We were supposed to hang out tonight, see a movie and what not. Nothing special, but our conversation before I went to bed was a little shaky. A little odd even, but I wasn't ready to write him off. He's so fun to talk to and I knew that we wouldn't be attracted to one another, but whatever. I dunno what was drawing me to it because I always vowed I would never love someone just to pass the time.

Either way, the weather is crazy and I just got off the phone with Drew who said he was leaving work. We talked for 20 minutes. Daytime minutes told me to hang up ASAP. But when we last left off, he was leaving work and he'd call me when he got home so we could meet up. He even invited me to this French Social thing where a bunch of French people get together and hang out. Too weird for me. But cute idea.

I also talked to Matt back and forth via txt on the way home. He quit his job today and he'll be starting downtown on March 15. I can't wait, I'm so happy for him.

Ten minutes after I hung up with Drew, I had a voicemail from him. Turns out, he went back to the office because it was too crazy outside. I guess that meant the date was off. Or was it...10 minutes after he made it back into the office, he said he was making a break for it again. I guess he really must be excited to hang with me.

Before I knew it, something came flllllying out of my mouth. I offered to take the subway down to meet him if he wasn't too tired after work and he got home on-time. Fuck Fuck Fuck. He agreed. Shit.

I did some more L.A. research. I don't know how I'm ever going to get a work permit.

Now what to eat for dinner?