The 5 Needs

“If you look, you’ll never find,” commented my friends Danielle, Roy, and Amanda on our usual Thursday night out. “It’s just common sense. It always comes when you’re not looking.”

As I walk through the halls and corridors on campus, I can’t help but notice all the couples everywhere I turn. If it’s not kissing, it’s hugging. If it’s not hugging, it’s holding hands. And if it’s not holding hands, it’s sitting on top of one another in the Scott Library. All of these couples, all of these people, each somehow found each other. They somehow fit. So I got to thinking: Why do we end up with a certain person? Do we really have to search to find? Or is it in the last place you look? What do we look for in a mate and why?

As I pondered these questions and the testimonials from close friends, I got to thinking about a criterion we use when deciding if a potential prospect is really worth pursuing. I call these “The 5 Needs.” Essentially, they are the five things we need when deciding whether or not a person is right for us. We base this decision on the qualities of mobility, loyalty, physicality, sexuality, and, of course, friendship.

To make things a bit easier, I will briefly define each of the five needs. Mobility refers to the ability of being able to see each other easily; usually by some form of transportation other the city bus (i.e. driving/car). Loyalty refers to your partner’s willingness to always be there for you, no matter what, and sometimes, at your beckon call. Physicality refers to the ability for your partner to turn-you-on! Sexuality (although similar to, but not like, physicality) refers to the actual act of being intimate with your partner. And lastly, friendship refers to the ability to form a common bond with one another, to have the chemistry you would with one of your close friends—secrets and all.

But if we have all these things, are we completely satisfied? In my experience, if we have a taste of one or two, we always seem to strive to get all five, because if what we have is good, then imagine how great having all five would be. Does this motivate us and keep us searching for ‘the one’?

Over at Seneca, Danielle was having her own crisis. She had prematurely broken up with her summer fling turned semi-serious fling, Brendan, to search for greener pastures. However, she realized that greener pastures don't exist in the real world, and that she missed him. One of the biggest obstacles in their relationship, and a deciding factor in the break-up, was that Brendan went to U of Guelph and Danielle was stuck in Toronto.

As I sat there, in the computer lab, Danielle was frantically trying to find the right words to say.
"I want to be with you....no, that sounds bad. Please call me...no, that sounds needy."
I interrupted "How about you just tell him you love him and want to be with him."
"No, I want him to say that. Ugh..if only he was closer, it would be so much easier. I want him back because I miss him, not love."

Or was she motivated by the "5 Needs"? Brendan had given her loyalty, friendship, sexuality, and physicality, and, because they worked together, mobility by default. And, for a while, it felt so good. But even then, he lived downtown and she lived a little north. Now, that Brendan was away, she thought, maybe mobility and sexuality would be the trade-off. And now that she had some, did she want more? Is there really such thing as having your cake and eating it to? Was it a summer fling? Did she have to face the fact that it was over?

In a last desperate attempt, Danielle wrote the e-mail.

But in Amanda’s case, she had five guys to fulfill the five needs. Steve, Dave, Micki, Adriano, and even our friend Roy were all enough to help satisfy some need she had. She had constantly mocked Danielle and I for searching too hard and often accused us of being pathetic when it came to matters of the heart.

Was this her way of being disillusioned? Did she use five guys for her five needs, but then deny that she even needed them? Confront her, and she would call you crazy, and even pathetic. But I think she, like many, refused to believe that we need a ‘partner’ to fulfill and complete us. You could say she had a lot of pretty, pretty boys that she calls friends. Amanda didn’t need any one person to complete her, she just needed several persons.

And what about me? All of my partners had not fulfilled me, and I am still alone. Was I only destined to have mobility and sexuality? Were those the only important things to me? Maybe what I was missing was loyalty, and friendship, and physicality. But since when did five minus one equal zero? If I didn’t have all five with the people I was with, then is that why I’m still searching, and technically defined as single? Perhaps not having all five can create an equally loving relationship. If so, it wasn’t for me. If so, how long would it last for them?
I had always purchased the package before seeing what was inside of it. Maybe I needed to take a break from the esthetics of love and focus on the feeling of it. Were all my guys just there because I tried to do it ‘Amanda style’?

"Looking for it won't help you find it," commented Amanda on our way home. "I don't need a man in my life because I am independent." No, because you have five of them, I thought, but I dared not say it. I just sat there and looked at all the couples crossing Pond Rd. in front of me.

What are we all ultimately searching for? Is love the goal of life?

So maybe it will take a lifetime to find the answers to certain questions, or to find all our needs fulfilled in one person, but in the meantime, I know there is someone, or something, out there. If we just keep looking, maybe one day we’ll find.